How To Be Awesome, 3.1

In this week’s installment, Anonymous Married Dude reflects on how he went from single to married and gives some amazingly good advice to unmarried Dudes everywhere. Read on and enjoy.

So, tell me about yourself, vaguely.

I was raised in a Christian home, but I was not born again until my adult years. I came to seminary single, and did not marry until after graduation. I was single until my 30s.

Current relationship status?

Married.

Dude, what’s UP with the Christian dating scene? Seriously. Diagnose.

I can’t speak much to our particular church’s dating scene, because my wife didn’t attend there until we became engaged. I can speak a little about the seminary dating scene, and yes, it’s a little weird. It seems to be one of two extremes. On one extreme is the hyper manly dude who vomits professions of undying love and concrete plans on a girl at the first meeting. He thinks it’s godly and manly to gush forth the plan of God for both their lives – of course, God neglected to tell the girl the plan. If the girl isn’t interested, then he thinks God calls him to be annoying until the girl gives in (this can happen, but it isn’t the norm).

The other extreme is the guy who thinks he has to be best friends with a girl before he can even ask her for coffee, as though, if it’s “God’s will” for them to be together, then that means he doesn’t have to stick his neck out.

What did you learn growing up about this nightmare that is Christian dating? Any particular influences? How have your views changed over time?

I learned that guys have to be honest, open, and intentional pursuers of woman. Pursuing a woman in this way makes good things happen during dating and it leads to the ability to look back on dating with no regrets.

The main ways my views have changed are in the area of “the gift of singleness.” It is not a special curse. It is not a gift in the sense that God gives you special powers to not want sex or not want to be married. It is a gift in the sense that every area and season of your life is a good thing that God can use for his glory. All good gifts are from God.

How many girls do you think you’ve asked out in your life? Estimate.

Four.

Do you think guys can be something besides the stereotypical alpha male, and still be successful?

Guys don’t have to be a stereotypical alpha male, but they do have to man up. They have to risk something in pursuing a woman. Risking and pursuing means something different for every couple. But at some level, be it public embarrassment or merely private “rejection,” a guy needs to risk rejection and pursue a woman. I think ladies are gracious in this area. Most of them appreciate how hard it can be for guys to make a move. A guy may just stumble into a marriage without pursuing the lady, but I think in hindsight, both of them will regret the absence of risk and pursuit.

What’s the biggest obstacle you’ve had to overcome in the dating arena?

The biggest obstacle I had to overcome in dating was putting too much of my heart into a hoped for relationship before the lady was interested. In other words, I dreamed up big plans before a girl even liked me. I made big plans before I told them of my interest, and even after they turned me down, I kept hoping for something that was never to be.

What was your biggest advantage in this area?

The dating arena is now in my rear-view mirror, but by God’s grace, I can look back and say that I didn’t play games with the ladies I pursued as a Christian, and I was honest with them about my intentions.

Tune in on Monday when Anonymous Married Dude tells us about the DTR he had with his wife and gives a bunch more stellar advice to men and women alike.

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6 thoughts on “How To Be Awesome, 3.1

  1. I’m kind of amazed (I guess envious to be honest) at the small numbers of women these men say that they have asked out in their lives. I wish I could get into a good relationship that easily.

      • You wouldn’t think that a dozen would be a small number, would you? No offense, but I think I need to re-evaluate the advice I get from people like you and the folks at Boundless. Asking women out on real dates doesn’t seem to work too well for me.

  2. I dated half a dozen women fairly steadily before I met Laura’s mother. It was quickly settled at that point. I sold my 1969 Orange Camaro SS327 (four-barrel, tuned, four-on-the-floor, Cragar mags all around, 10.5 inch competition clutch, 0 to 100 in less then 10 seconds) for her, because she couldn’t push the clutch in with one foot. No sacrifice — I loved her.

    Some of those boys out there need to grow up and realize that love is better than video games and hanging with the boy at Four Pegs. As Paul Overstreet so aptly put it, “Love don’t feel like a ball and chain to me.”

    • That is certainly true, but there are also a whole bunch of guys out there who grew up reading “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” while older men in their church told them to hold off on dating until they knew for sure that a woman was THE ONE. I think the majority of Christian guys who need advice in this area probably are more clueless that vicious — it’s not that they’re trying to prolong their adolescence or put off commitment, many of them have just been hamstrung at every turn.

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