Texts from Anna Karenina

(Because imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and because Melis is never going to do it on the Hairpin.)

Hey Kitty ; )

OMG VRONSKY hiiiiii

How are you this frosty winter’s evening
You looked fetching in your ice skating costume today
Your cheeks were so rosy from the cold
You were like a blossoming flower ; )

Thank you!!!!!!!!!! That is sooooo sweet =D
you looked really good too
I like your mustache
it reminds me of the furs
we have in our carriages to keep us from freezing to death
in this endless endless winter

I was wondering
if I could talk to you later
After the dance
Maybe ask you a question
?
; )

TOTALLY. OMG.
Whenever you want.
Ask me anything, anything at all.

Vronsky?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey Vronsky
Was there something you wanted to ask me
Because I think I will agree
with whatever you ask
Not that I’m being forward
I just like saying yes to things ; )
NBD

Vronsky

Vronsky? Haha text me back ; )

Hey

Hey

**********************************************

Kitty
Kitty
Kitty

Oh hey Levin.

Kitty let me tell you all about my life
It’s a great life
I live on a farm, did I ever tell you that?
I have fields and horses and a lake
You wouldn’t believe how many peasants I have
All I need is a wife

I said all I need is a wife
A wife
For my farm

K

Kitty
Kitty
Kitty it’s me Levin
Remember before how I said I needed a wife for my farm?
Well I still totally do
Maybe you know someone who is
like
looking for a job as a farm wife

Um
Levin are you proposing to me
Because I think you’re great and all but
farms are out of fashion this year

Kitty
Kitty
It’s me Levin
Never mind I don’t need a wife for my farm
So tell whoever might want to be a farm wife
that you know
That I don’t need one anymore

Gotta go, so much hay to cut down
with this scythe

k

**************************************************

Mrs. Karenin
Anna
May I call you Anna?

Why Count Vronsky!
It’s very soon in our acquaintance to be on a first-name basis
But you are extremely dashing
and a very good waltzer

I just met you
And this is crazy
But here’s the address where you can reach me
by telegram
So telegraph me maybe?

It would all be very untoward
I am a married woman after all

Well wait hear me out
my second idea was:
We spend the night together
And after that
we can hold each other
and sob about all the lives we’re ruining

But I’m with my little boy Ser–
oh all right

**************************************

Anna
Anna it’s me, your husband
Alexei Alexandrovitch

Seriously, Alexei, wha–

Alexei Alexandrovitch.
It is my name.

OMG fine, Alexei Alexandrovitch, sheez.

Do not become excited
Expressiveness of all kinds repulses me
Your emotions repulse me
Are you having “emotions” with that guy
That Count guy with the horse

Do not ask me such questions
they grieve me to the heart

I mean, I’m really kind of whatever about it
I just think I probably should throw you out of our house
Because
Isn’t that what like cuckolded husbands do
Is throw their wives out?
I am reasonable though
You can call it a vacation
Just don’t get pregnant or people will be suspicious

Is that all you care about,
people’s suspicions and imaginings

Yes.
Obviously

Oh hey I’m pregnant

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3 thoughts on “Texts from Anna Karenina

  1. Um, I don’t understand very much of this, but I find it hilarious nevertheless. Especially the telegram part. But, now, I’m singing that song. Earworm alert.
    Must.
    Play.
    Mozart.

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